By the age of 9 I had become pretty popular but by age 12 I started to notice the waves of friends coming in then after awhile they'd leave then a new wave of friends etc...The only difference between then and now is growing up it was only a portion of my friends leaving, usually more than half but this time I'm left with 2 and one of those I thought I lost until last month when I finally heard from her. I hate this because I know why they all ran and it's name is bipolar. I have 3 invisible disorders and bipolar seems to be the culprit. I hate this world and almost everyone in it. For the first time in my life I trust no one except for those grandfathered in ie: my parents, my sister and my ex husband. I cannot even trust my fiance and we've been together almost 3 years. I'm always so timid about telling him how I feel. I never hold it in completely but when I do tell him that I'm doing badly or have a nasty bipolar outburst I spend the next day or two worried I'll be handed my walking papers. Before summer '08 I never worried about things like that..guess I just assumed they were the jerks. There is no way God exists. No God that I can think of would put anyone through all of this. I am either scared to leave the house or in too much pain. I can barely make phone calls (except for my mom) and being online often enough to maintain any form of relationship with anyone willing to listen is physically painful..I only have a desktop and my right arm usually hurts too much to be on the computer not to mention that I cannot put my legs up so they swell if I sit in my computer chair for too long. What I have learned in my 37 years is that I am a bad friend and hypochondriac whose just going thru a bad patch in my head. So I am very grateful for this site! But it has come to my attention (with the lifting of the fibro and bipolar fogs) that instead of being open an honest I clam up around new people, yet I can be my old self with strangers I'll never see again. My fiance actually had to tell me that he does need to know how I'm feeling daily and for the most part I do but I still wait for those walking papers.
I just don't know enough about bipolar to even comment, I would suggest you speak to your Doctor who prescribes you meds for this, they may need to be adjusted, and may be able to put some of your concerns to rest for you.
I am so sorry about the waning friends, I think any of us who have a chronic illness go through something very similar with this. Life for them just doesn't always slow down to our speed, and people come and go. Rereading my comments, it sounds cold, but it really is not intended to be. My heart aches for you, as I understand so very well.
I hope that you can get to a good place with all of this, allowing you to put your uneasy feelings to rest. I don't think anyone who has fibro is a hypochondriac, as I know how they suffer!
Wishing you well,
I am very sorry to hear you feeling like this, mental illness can make life very hard and yes, no one can really see how much pain you are in with both bipolar and FMS. I understand that you are feeling scared, yet angry at the world, loneliness, rejection and the fear thereof can leave us living behind locked doors, afraid to reach out and painfully lonely inside. I have been there and am often there myself. I have Major Depression and a few other mental health issues that have put my life on hold and left me totally not trusting the world. I fear telling people how I am because they may run away from my cloud of negativity and mess of baggage, which I feel I am entitled to because my life has generally screwed me...it has happened my entire life. Even my own mother and father went to their graves never seeing me for over 25 years. It is hard to accept the reality that that was their loss, especially when I still see that most days I am alone, except for my lovely 8 year old.
I know you are feeling very down when you wrote this discussion, and I do not dare to make light of that, but I feel a need to offer you a different perspective, from a person who has/is where you are. Friends do leave, and friends will follow, they will if you allow them to. Fear of rejection and abandonment does hurt, it hurts you and those around you who are trying to support you the only way that they can, please try to let them. Your fiancé wants you to talk to him, give him that. It sounds like he loves you very much, he knows who you are and has not left. Those around you have to deal with your bipolar as much as you do, giving them a heads up on how you are feeling can let them know what they may expect and how they can help you with it, as well as prepare themselves for who to get through it too. Please do not let your fear of abandonment and rejection cut people out of your life by You cutting them off from you. I know it is scary but you have someone right there with you with an olive branch in the hand to offer help and support, allow him to do what he would like to do, which is be there to care and support the one he loves.
Are you seeing anyone for support, like therapy? Are you managing your bipolar disorder with medications? This is a very manageable disorder, yes, with meds, but as long as the meds are managed your episodes of ups and downs should stable out. Yes, I know that Bipolar is a disorder that requires often med adjustments because often levels can bounce around and / or meds lose their effectiveness, but this equals you needing to be under the care of a psychiatrist. Bipolar is a disease just like diabetes, it often will show up in flux, but with meds, balanced properly by your doctor (psych) you should be able to get better control and talking to those who care about you (shelving the fear and letting them in) you are giving them the tools to help you and them manage your symptoms and get through it together.
Please continue to talk to us
Hi Trish, First let me say that you are not a hypochondriac !!! There are over 2000 members here that would agree with me. And so many people suffer from chemical imbalance in there brain and their silent suffering with out treatment just breaks my heart. Suffering with bipolar disorder is a very difficult thing, and I highly doubt you are a bad friend… You are a beautiful women, it sounds like the pain you have encountered has left you terrified to venture out & trust.
I have a good friend who suffers with bipolar & I have seen what she has gone through… From ups & downs to depression & social anxiety, isolation and loosing family who don’t understand, you name it, she has gone through it. I can tell you 100% there is treatment that can help !!
I have also made it my job to help her stick to her medication, kinda a buddy system ( something we worked out with her counceler) so I had to really understand what she was taking, the side effects, the dosages, everything… I have gone to many counseling sessions with her…
I’m wondering if you have a counceler or someone that you talk to about how you feel ?
If not… Please let me encourage you to please do that … You may benefit from just a mood enhancer like Abilify, maybe you have tried some meds…,until I had many conversation with the psychiatric nurse practioner I had no idea how important balancing the neurotransmitters were.
Trish I hope you feel better, fibro is hard enough…
I’m glad you felt safe enough to trust us with your feelings, and you know what, your honesty is a beautiful thing, don’t ever be afraid to tell to like it is.
BTW… We can all relate to loosing friends & I myself have been hurt to the core, but I know it’s not because I wasn’t a good friend, I’m not sure why some people just don’t want to try & understand, it’s hurtful, but many have said you find out who your true friends are when you get sick…
I focus on the ones I know love me & I also choose who to spend my spoons on ( the spoon theory )
Hugs & blessings
Thank you everyone. That one hit fast and in that moment I didn't know where else to turn. It hit so hard my fiance couldn't reach me to pull me back. And yes I take my meds and have a psychiatrist and a psychologist to go with my urologist and rheumatologist that I see regularly. I do not mess around with this disorder because this is the only one of my three that could end my life and I refuse to let that happen. Since all 3 disorders effect each other..when one hits the others will most likely follow. Both my phychiatrist and phychologist as well as my own research say that meds/docs or no meds/docs this is a mother of an illness and those extreme mood changes will appear periodically for the rest of my life. Having said all that..fibro is why I am on this site and one thing I hope to gain from this site is to learn to control any and all emotional "blah" that comes with fibro then maybe I will be better equipped to deal with those mood swings. And to SK, I know your intentions are to help the same as everyone on here that is what gives me a feeling of relief over discovering this site.
I just wanna say thank you. I just finished reading all the comments and never before have I felt so accepted by anyone outside of my family. Plus there is the bonus that this site is computer stupid friendly. I have never before seen an online support group site that doesn't look like something built to be used by IT types. I just pray that I can stick with this...and that I cannot blame on any illness, I hate to admit it but that is my personality :)