This is a bit personal, but I think some of you might have experiences with things like this.
There is a lot in my life that has gone wrong. Not.. hardcore wrong, but there are things in the past that weren't finished. Or at least it's what it feels like to me. And There are things I want out of my head.
There are three people I've had fights with. Those three were very close friends to me. One was the kind of friend that's actually just a b***ch and a user, but she still was my friend.
Another I lost contact with over her withdrawing from social life, the real world and just anything that even comes close to "reality" and "seriousness".
And the last was my best friend for over 8 years and we had a fight because I forgot about her birthday and she felt neglected and called me egoistical and unattentive and all that rot.
Like I do with a lot of things I can't change or don't have the energy to work on, I accepted their wish to not have contact with me anymore and tried to forget. Thing is... during my therapy, it became obvious that all of these are still issues that are festering in my mind and even if I spend little to no thoughts on them, once I do start talking, I break down in tears and sobs after the first few words.
I want that to stop. But I'm weak and I feel I'm doing them wrong. I have troubles sorting my own feelings out. My therapist has only started scratching at the surface, and I am scared of what I might have been bottling up inside of me. You see... I'm almost never angry. I'm a mild person that usually alway is the one to take a step back and compromises. I can't handle my own wrath so I simply started not becoming angry anymore. I think I haven't even yelled at anyone for the last 15 years.
I fear I have a lot of anger inside that will explode at some point. A part of that anger is connected to those broken friendships. A lot of anger is directed at myself for failing and for being wrong in my actions.
You see... I'm a person that hates being in the wrong. I hate having to apologize because that would mean I've made mistakes.
And... I realize that might be an awful character trait... I don't make mistakes. Like... of course I do, I make mistakes in tests and I sometimes answer questions wrong or get lost because I mixed up some street names, those kind of mistakes? But.. I don't make serious mistakes.
I can't be in the wrong with important things.
..losing track a little.
Have you been in a situation where you needed to end things? Openly cut inactive connections? I'm thinking of writing them letters, telling them of my feelings and my part of the story and tell them they will not be part of my life anymore.
It might sound superfluous to open up old wounds and maybe reignite old fights or friendships...
but I feel like I can't let it rest until I have a real closure.
I want to clean up my past so I won't have to carry those things on my shoulders anymore, they are heavy enough as it is.
Do you think this is a good idea? Do you think I should let it rest? Have you had similar experiences?