Stuff just keeps piling up

Hey you all!
I haven’t been around the forum for quite a while!
occasionally, I’ve browsed topics, but I haven’t really been active much.
i’ve got yet another new wave of doctor’s visits to go through, this time it’s about my back.
most of the reason i haven’t been around here is, that i don’t have a lot of bad issues at all.
i mean, i do get the whole shtick with random pains, depression, moods being all over the place, yadda yadda…
but it’s not been really horrible or unbearable. (for which i am glad of course! it just feels like i might not have fibro, even if i have an official diagnosis.
i don’t even know anymore.

back to the current source of annoyance.
i’ve been having lower back pains for weeks and months now… and i’ve mostly chalked it off as being strain from work and/or lack of exercise and bad posture.
so i went to an orthopedic doc, had some xrays, got an MRI thing done… and other than a mild case of spondylolisthesis there seems to be an inflammation of the sacroiliac joints.
WHICH… might be an indicator i might have ankylosing spondylitis/morbus bechterew.
i only got to have the bloodwork done today, so i’ll have to wait a week or two for the results, it could still be nothing, or just an inflammation of the joint with no rheumatic issue attatched
but still…
i’m getting so /tired/ of this (insert string of naughty words here). last summer, i dealt with crippling stomach pains and fevers until i had to have my gallbladder surgically removed. that healed fine and all, i don’t have any troubles with it anymore.
now, my back’s acting up, and sticking to my personal messed-up tradition, it seems to be about time i have something new to add to my list of problems.
and i’m just really… confused about how to feel about all of this.

the worst part is, that part of me /wants/ it to be rheuma? i don’t know how i can be this way.
at the beginning of the appointment with the rheumatologist (is that the correct word?), the lady (who was really nice, don’t missunderstand) didn’t seem to think it was anything.
i was transfered to her from my orthopedic doc with the suspicion of sacroilliitis and to check for a rheumatic disease.
and when she gave me the feeling it might just be nothing, i felt disappointed.
how can i even be like that?
i don’t want to be even sicker than i already am.

maybe it’s a case of wanting to give up. not on life or anything, no worries there, but just… i don’t know.
sometimes i have fantasies where i have an accident and end up in a wheelchair and don’t have to work anymore, and can just lean back and do nothing…
i LOVE my work, i truly do.
it’s just… taxing sometimes. and dealing with all this crap and work and life in general just really gets a lot…
i don’t want to wish for more illness, but somewhere the thought is there
and i feel bad for it.
oh man…
i hope i’ll get the results quickly, so i can go on planning the next steps, whether they be working out a gentle workout schedule or coping with another diagnosis.

Hi there. Sorry you’re going through yet more crap. While I don’t share the same physical issues that you do, I can totally relate to just being fed up with everything. I have been dealing with fibro for just almost 2 years now, but it seems like eternity. I’m a 47-year-old nurse and work full-time and it takes every ounce of energy I have. It’s almost impossible to work during a flare because the pain is just unbearable. I have to work though. Bills need to be paid ya know. Anyway I know what it’s like to sometimes wish for everything to be over. I’ll be driving to work and think to myself that it wouldn’t be that bad to actually die in a car accident. Not just to be paralyzed, but to actually leave this painful body forever. Sometimes I’ll try and remember what it was like before I had all this pain…and I can’t. For me it’s not just pain either. It’s the utter exhaustion and depression from not being able to do the things I used to enjoy, and family members and people around me who don’t understand what I’m feeling because I don’t look sick. Well, enough about my woes. I truly hope you get some good news regarding your back pain. Sometimes all we can do is hang in there one day…hell even one hour…at a time. Thank you for sharing.

Hello dwaggie,
I feel for you, I really do. You story is quite familiar to us Fibro warriors, in that you get symptoms, you get tests… and there is nothing. Has happened to me many times, so I totally ‘get’ why you say you wish they found something…anything…maybe it could be treated then; I have felt like that many times. For me I realise I have to accept this is the ‘new normal’, I try to manage my pain and conditions with out fighting against it. Believe me, I am not saying it is all A-OK, I have my bad days, in fact I am on anti-depressants, and have had to give up work. But I try to remain positive and do as much as I can. Have a look at Fibro101, there might be ideas there you can adopt. I wish you well and let us know how you get on.
Take care, Anne