I had been contemplating what I needed to do for myself for a while. My relationships suffered a lot of losses in this past year. Mostly, because I thought they were something they weren't. I tend to see people for their potential, which can be problematic, because they don't necessarily act upon it. SO, I was in a place where I had a LOT of things I was trying to push through, without the support I was supposed to have (that part wasn't all just the way I saw things, btw). There was a lack of follow through... I mean, I guess that living this way, in pain, and constantly pushing myself makes me familiar with the uncomfortable. I know how to push through it when I think there isn't any more I could do...
This was sort of my last effort to try to have a career and work, because I would have flexibility and support. Only I ended up with neither. So the last time I posted here, I was thankful to get the messages from you all that told me to do what I needed.
MUCH LOVE for that!
I couldn't have known how hard things were going to get before I had to make that choice.
I needed to talk to my remaining business partner, and mother, since we were still working to make things happen with the business. She was trying, despite her feelings of inadequacy, and lack of personal power, to be there for me. She didn't think there was anything she could do, which is silly to me, but you can't make people feel any way than how they feel...
She was doing better with helping me out with business things, and I was trying to slowly give her more, and take more of what I needed. I closed the shop two days a week. I made appointments for myself that I was putting off. My mom and I got into a little bit better place for about two weeks.
My dad got injured at work.
I pushed through.
She was trying to take care of him. I was just working and crashing. We didn't have time or energy to address the work things that needed addressed. We were focused on my dad and just existing. Nothing was going right for him. It was awful. I cancelled my appointments so my mom could take him to his. My husband was trying to work, and get me to work (I haven't been able to drive, though I did a few times during this period --- pushed through, cried, re-focused --- said I wasn't going to do it again.
Things got worse with my dad. He was in pain, and seeing doctor after doctor after doctor. Work denied his comp, UNFAIRLY. He was fighting it. He was treated so unjustly. There were violations on their part, and all he wanted was to feel better and get back to work, where he worked for 26 years, perfect attendance, and was part of the safety committee for a long time.
My dad died on July 20th.
I don't know how to put this loss into words for you. He was our tribe leader. He meant so much to so many people.
My dad used to say, when I die, make sure you ...
My brother and I tried to remember all of those things. Tell a lot of good stories. Give me a long obituary... We picked out a casket with deer and some camo because he loved hunting. I made a playlist of music, mostly Johnny Cash, but not the ones that we rocked out to. We played the hymns, and a few other very appropriate tunes..."I don't hurt anymore"...my grandmother sang along. We displayed my dad's things, a giant wrench from his work (he built coal mining equipment) his bucket from his coal mining days, his turkey calls, some turkey beards, boards full of photos. photo albums, a video slideshow was set up in another room... we had books for collecting stories and made an email account that people could send stories to. (if you read the obituary, you'll see that we asked people to do an act of kindness in his memory, we loved when those stories got back to us too)... I learned things that didn't surprise me, but made me happy, that other people knew the kindness and intelligence of my father and treasured it too. He was honest with his opinion, and people valued it for that reason. He wanted to help so many people. He wanted us to be comfortable and happy... we put out his favorite candies, wintergreen mints and peppermint patties, for everyone. We filled those bowls every viewing. We stood for hours, lines out the door, and the funeral home didn't turn anyone away.
Our entire big family was there, people came from his work, the church, the gun club, the bowling leagues, the mines, our friends came from near and far, a family friend who is a magician did tricks for the kids for hours, someone thought we had that planned (the pizza we did, because it was thursday, and thursday is party night with the kids with pizza from my aunt's shop, every week!) (BTW, that's how good they think we are at things! :P) ...I made a graphic for the prayer cards...
We poured our hearts into all of the little things that we could, in such a short amount of time.
I pushed through. To be there for my family, to do what I needed for my dad. My broken heart, just so sad...my siblings are angry, my mom is angry, my family is angry...and I just feel the hurt. We're going through all this lawyer stuff. Nothing is easy, or clear...and my mom isn't doing well with it. She sleeps at our house. She spends the days with my grandma and uncle, where my dad used to live and visited every day. She goes home, only to deal with paperwork and minimal things. I have tried not to burden her with all of our business stuff, but I can't do everything. So we had to discuss it.
I told her I was going to close the shop. She said she was sorry. I don't want her to feel more guilt. She already feels responsible for not saving my dad. She said she understood, and she wished she wouldn't have let me down...
I am still dealing with everything. We helped move my brother and his wife into their new home the day after my dad's services. My sister had her baby this week. I'm closing the business, quietly, and dealing with all of the mess that accompanies. No one gets what this feels like, and I can't talk to my family about any of it. So I go see my new nephew with my mom, and help with my 2 year old niece, because I should. Because I love them all so much, and because my mom can't do all this...I can't drive, and I ache from inside out. I run a slight fever, and I'm exhausted. But I don't complain. I sit quietly, and no one notices. I hold it in. I don't express my hurt. I make it home, and I let go in sobs.
I'm over the loss of what the business was supposed to be with my family. I'm hurt by the relationships I lost, and why I lost them, because I didn't change, I didn't quit on these people, they quit on me, they left me down, and then left. At least my mom apologizes, at least we can talk, and I get some understanding from her about it... and then there are people who are just inquiring to inquire. out of nosiness, or people who express that they're so sad about me closing, why am I closing? I'm annoyed that they're telling me that it's sad. I'm annoyed that they weren't around until now, or that they think their opinion matters on the subject... I'm annoyed that people think they are owed an explanation just because they want to know. I'm not talking about my friends who have been here for me via text and email, post cards, trips, food, flowers, cards, and silly memes to make me laugh. They are embracing light from various distances and I let them know. I would discuss anything with them, because they care, not just when they're nosy ;)
Its frustrating because randomly associated individuals think they need to tell me what to do or feel or be... I'm not just closing because I lost my dad. That was the final straw.
I only have my husband to support me, and he's taking on so much to help with everything else right now. He has his own business, his great grandma just passed, his grandfather had a stroke, and he's trying to help with all of that (he's the oldest grandchild)...his brother is engaged. his father died of a drug overdose years ago, and my dad was a real father to him, his mentor and role model. he's dealing with the loss too, we've been together 16 years...his sister is an alcoholic, and she just got pregnant. his other sister is amazing, but has to spend all her time with her youngest child at children's hospital. my husband is bi-polar and on the autism spectrum. it's all REALLY DIFFICULT. he is an amazing person, and tries so hard to do it all... but there are limits! ...and no one gets all this. so they don't have a valid opinion.
I don't owe anyone an explanation for anything. But, know that everything I do is out of love. Right now, I am choosing to love myself, my husband, and our relationship. I am choosing to bring things home, and make our lives a little less insane. I am sorting through a mess, after another mess, and in the middle of a mess. AND SLOWLY. because I can't drive. i can't do much of anything. my day is successful if I can get up and do yoga. fix something to eat. shower. check my email. take the dog out. make it to bed in a decent mental state. It's going to take months for me to get over this flare up. I knew it when I was pushing.
I'm dealing with adrenal fatigue, costochondritis, migraines, gastro-intestinal issues, allergies, exhaustion, overall achiness and low grade fever that fluctuates... and grief. over my dad, my relatives, my relationships...
this would be a lot for a normal person - my mom says. she's right.
I'm going to get through this, I'm refocusing, finding balance. Slowly, I'll get through this. <3