I am worried because on Tuesday the psychiatric nurse is coming to see me and I am not sure what to say to them.
In short last week I kind of lost it a little bit and did some damage to myself. I also tried to take a load of pills but my partner practically strangled me and pulled them out of my mouth. I am so ashamed of myself, a for failing to get rid of myself properly and b for the hassle it is causing everyone around me. I am not worth the NHS spending money to look after.
What am I going to say to the nurse? I am scared that if I say how I feel they will lock me up but I know if I lie things wont get better. SO damned confussled at the moment :(
Mike…have her read your creative corner poetry. You need to stick around and commiserate with the group .It is obvious you are not alone… you can say exactly how you feel
It just scares me what they will think of me when I tell them how I feel if that makes sense. I know that I need to be honest but do not know how honest to be... tell them everything, or avoid certain bits xx
If you feel like you want to end it…or as you have said…swallowed pills. You need to tell them the whole truth. They can get you to the right person to talk to…I have some experience with this in my very own family. It only gets worse if you try to hide these feelings from the people who CAN HELP you deal and cope. Please.
Mike, let me ask you a question: How would you feel if your companion was the one to put a bunch of pills into his mouth and try to end things? And what if he did manage to take his life? Would the pain be over, or would his pain be passed on to you? I ask you this so you can look outside of yourself and see how much your actions must affect others who truly care for you. And so maybe you won't want to do this again in the future. Your actions do have an impact on others. You wouldn't believe how devastating your suicide would be on your companion. And anyone else who cares about you, Mike. It's an unbearable pain that they'd carry with them for years and years. If you love them, do you really want to do that to them?
In answer to your question, I think you definitely should be completely honest with the psych nurse. If you need to go to the hospital a while to get better, so be it. Getting better is the most important thing for you, Mike. I'm just incredibly sorry that you're in a bad way again. You are still punishing yourself for just being alive. When you get to the point of accepting that you've a right to be here, then I think your desire to end your life will stop.
Good luck, Mike. We'll still be here for you if you go into the hospital. But please don't punish yourself like this. It's just not worth it.
Mike, I'm sure they won't think any less of you. Rather they'll see a very sad young man who is troubled by depression. And I would expect that they would feel a great deal of compassion for you, since you're suffering so.
Let them help you, Mike. Let go of your pain, just a little bit, so they can help you. You will definitely grow if you do. And you will probably learn some coping mechanisms from them so you can find other ways to express your frustration and anger than cutting yourself.
I have missed chatting with you!!
I looked at some sites online, and wonder if the info below could help you “structure” your conversation. Sometimes when I’m feeling afraid, having some examples like the one below helps me feel more in control.
I’m so relieved Peter was there and saved your life. You are very special and I can’t imagine loosing your friendship. Please take care and chat soon.
What Should I Tell My Therapist And Psychiatrist?
by Gary Pilarchik LCSW-C
It is not quite as easy as saying you should start from the beginning. It is even easier. The truth is, all you need to do is have a willingness to talk about what has been bothering you. The therapist is there to listen and ask questions. The goal, of the first meeting, is to understand your concerns and worries. They will ask questions to help you describe the problem. They will ask questions to make sure they understand the problem. They will ask you if you have any questions. No matter where you start, the therapist will be able to begin to understand why you came and what you need. We have thousands of questions to help patients express and define their problems or concerns. Keep in mind you will have to meet with the therapist a few times to really develop an understanding of the problem. All you have to do is talk.
From the beginning?- Nah start backwards.
You don’t necessarily want to start at childhood. That really is a myth. I recommend you start with yesterday and work your way backwards as needed. The first meeting is about the symptoms and problems that are causing you distress. It’s a bit of a misconception that you will have to go in and tell your whole life story. That would be overwhelming and it is really unnecessary when you first meet your therapist. Over time, you may discuss your past and how it is connected to your current situation. You can decide what you want to discuss. You will never be “forced” to talk about things you do not want to talk about. A full disclosure of your life isn’t expected and isn’t always needed. And remember, therapy is 100% confidential.
Here is a basic way to organize your thoughts for the initial meeting:
DESCRIBE THE PROBLEM/WORRIES/CONCERNS:
To the best of your ability, describe what has been going on. Take your time. Use recent examples to describe your symptoms and concerns. Your therapist will listen to your description and ask questions to help define the problem.
“I have been tired lately. Always tired. I am still going to work but I find I can’t concentrate and feel frustrated. As soon as I get home, I go to bed. I hardly see my wife and she thinks I am ignoring her.”
“I’m always angry. The kids can do the littlest thing and I explode. I just yell about things that never used to bother me. I’m just snappy. I don’t feel like doing anything. The house is a mess. I used to take care of it.”
“I swear people are watching me. My parents say I am over-reacting but everywhere I go people have comments. Oh, I can’t hear them. But I see them talking. They look at each other when I walk by and try and pretend they didn’t say anything.”
“I should be happy. I’m not like this. I feel disconnected and not part of the group. Yesterday, I went out to dinner with my family and it was nice. Everyone was talking, I just felt like I wasn’t there. I know what they are saying is important and my kids are great. But I’m not interested and I want to be. I wasn’t always like this.”
GIVE A BASIC TIME FRAME:
It is important to give a basic time frame of when you first noticed the symptoms or felt something wasn’t just quite right. This can be difficult to do. I recommend you ask the people closest to you to help you figure out when things/problems might have started. They may have noticed things you didn’t notice. It doesn’t have to be exact. You want to provide a basic time frame that covers the emergence of the symptoms and problems.
“Things were fine when we were first married. I always was happy. I can’t ever remember feeling like this. I guess things started two or three years ago. I remember thinking something wasn’t right during the summer. I kept feeling sad and I didn’t know why.”
“A year or two ago. It’s hard to say but that’s when this stuff started. I remember crying for no reason and feeling anxious all the time. Actually, about a year and half ago because we were going away and I remember dreading it. I use to love to go on vacation.”
“I think it’s been around all my life. I remember feeling disconnected in high school. It would come and go but I could manage. The last couple of years have been bad. I just can’t shake it.”
By starting with the symptoms/problems and a basic time frame, you create a starting point. It is the starting point to understanding your distress. You will work with your therapist over several sessions to clarify your distress and needs. Therapy will progress from that starting point.
WHAT DO I WANT AND HOW WILL I KNOW I’M BETTER?
Sometimes the first meeting can also be about what you want to change. If you are having trouble with describing the symptoms and problems, you can talk about what you want to change. Very often, during the first meeting, a therapist will also ask you what you want, in addition to describing the problem. This is your opportunity to say what you want from therapy. What do you want to change? What changes would give you a better quality of life?
“I want to be able to enjoy my life. I want to be happy when I should be happy.
I want to be interested in things again and not feel this doom and gloom.”
”I don’t want to be anxious all the time. I am tired of hearing myself yell.”
”I want to feel like I want to get up in the morning.”
”I just want to sleep 8 hours a night, even 6. Just sleep through the night.”
Finally, you may talk about how you will know things are better. You may or may not have an answer to this. It is important to think about a time when you felt pretty good. You want to get a sense of how you will know you are better. The truth is you probably will have a difficult time putting this answer into words. Simply put, you will know when you arrive there because you will just feel better. There are many roads that will get you to the same destination. You don’t need to be familiar with all the routes. You don’t need a map. All you have to do is talk with your therapist and they will help you move forward.
A therapist can not prescribe medications. A psychiatrist can prescribe medications. You may work with a psychiatrist that only prescribes and manages medications and your therapy is done with a therapist. Sometimes your psychiatrist will prescribe medications and provide therapy. In either case, the same process occurs during your first meeting with a professional.
You are going to tell her the truth, otherwise she cannot help you. You owe it to yourself and to Peter to do all you can to get better. This is supposed to be a very happy time in your life, but you are still struggling, so please let her help you! It is time to get well.
Love and hugs,
Mike… Came across this info as well. To calm my nerves I do what is suggested below and make a list prior to any appointments. Then I give the dr a copy so he or she can review it later if we run out of time. It gives me a better sense of control to create an "agenda."
Will Peter be there? Might suggest collaborating on your “agenda” so you’re in synch.
Anyway, hope this helps. I look forward to talking soon and hang in there!!
PS and you must be honest to receive help, but sometimes I feel it’s easier to do so when I can jot down my main concerns in advance. Here for you, Mike
When you go to your first appointment with a new psychiatrist, psychologist or other therapist, you’re going to be nervous and your head is going to be racing. You’ll be scared because you feel you are way out of control and something major has changed.
Anxiety often magnifies anticipation into the feeling that there are ten scary issues - when really there is just one that needs to be controlled, and the rest will follow. The technique is actually very simple - it’s all a matter of preparation.
Sit down a day or two before your appointment and make a list of everything you are feeling, with details about triggers and how your life is affected by each item.
I have to walk to the other end of Wal-Mart when babies are crying because I can’t take the noise.
I don’t always believe people are who they say they are.
I can get very angry, to the point of rage. (If there are patterns to things that trigger your anger, include them.) Several friends are angry at me because I have become inappropriately angry.
I feel very lonely and an extreme need for support. As a result I spend a lot of time crying.
I can only get a few hours of sleep a night - or - I am sleeping 18 hours a day - whatever your sleep habits are at present, always include this information in your list.
Other possibilities - if you’re feeling paranoid, you need to list not just the feeling but what you feel paraniod about and how it affects your life. The key issue when listing these is to tell how they have impacted your life. DO NOT put labels on these feelings - let the doctor do that! Doctors often allow their patient’s labels to block their own thought processes and sometimes thus allow the patient to make the diagnosis. Again, you just want to list what you are feeling and how your life is affected.
I really recommend you take the time to do this. In school I used this process every single day when my assigned patients said, "My doctor just isn’t hearing me."
When you break down the feelings and how they are affecting your daily life, you paint a very clear picture for the doctor. You can’t do that on the spot in a 25-minute visit when your brain is spinning and you don’t know what to say first. So make the list. Then make three copies - two for yourself and one for the doctor. Leave one copy at home (it’s just in case something happens to the copy you take for yourself) and take the other two with you. When you see the doctor, give him the list. You won’t have to remember everything you wanted to tell him on the spot. You won’t have to go away beating yourself up because you forgot to say something. You won’t need to worry so much at all!
Copied from: http://bipolar.about.com/od/treatment/a/1st_visit_list.htm
I think I am going to have to tell them things because I want to get sorted. I hate being like this all the time :( xx
I would be devastated if he did that but if I would finish myself off too. I do not think deep down I want to die. I just need help and I think what happened the other night was just complete desperation. I did not know what else to do... the whole time I have been feeling like I am screaming inside my own head and nothing could stop it.
I hope that I will be better soon because I want to be able to help people on here xx
I found this really helpful thank you xx I miss chatting with you too xx
I do owe it to Peter and to people on here so I will have to be honest about it I guess. I am happy in some ways, but in other ways I am really unhappy... I do not really know how to explain it xx
Thank you my dear xx *hugs* xx
Mike , please be honest with your self !! I don’t know you , but from what I read … Your pain inside that makes you feel unworthy of love, has weighed you down to the point that you feel undeserving … There are underlying issues that have let you to this place… You have to be honest, therapy help can, you are worth it !!! God loves you , Peter obviously cares about you , and we all care about you ! But mike needs to love himself, no one will think Bad of you , actually posting what you did … Takes a lot of courage & you should be proud of your self for taking this step. now keep stepping in the right direction and get the help you deserve & need ! BTW. There is no shame in being tired of dealing with the pain inside you, with the proper help you can learn to redirect your thoughts from im a failure to " heck ya I am a great person who deserves love and deserves to not have this ongoing battle in my brain " keep taking steps in the right direction… Like on tues. my son spent 6 months talking about wanting to die and kill himself, I can’t tell you how it tore me into pieces, I could spend hrs telling you how it played out, but from what I saw, was a young man who had ongoing thoughts of I’m a looser, I’m no good, I have nothing going for me, I have no friends the list just went on and on … And honestly none of it was true, but it was at the time what he believed, as someone who loved him it was the hardest thing I ever went through, please get the help you need, my son is better now, in therapy & on an antidepressant, he won the battle with his own brain, but it took him being honest, you can do ! I am praying for you !
Hugs & love
Dee is not only a great gal, and a great mom, but a nurse, please listen to her wisdo!m
What you say makes sense. It is not just that I feel like I do not deserve to be here it is that I know I do not deserve life :( I hate feeling like this. *hugs* xx
Mike, I'm realy glad to hear that what you want is some help and not to finish yourself off. Big, huge difference. I was once exactly where you are now. I hated myself, didn't feel I deserved life and tried to end it, in a cry for help. Unfortunately for me, my husband was NOT understanding and left me. But you have a good partner who is willing to stand by you. So TAKE this gift and run with it! Go to the hospital, learn some new coping techniques. You'll feel better if you are willing to let these people help you. You can either keep running and hurt yourself and your SO or else try something new. I know it's tough because it's scary but I'm sure you've got it in you to do it. You've got a beautiful soul and you need to be able to see it for yourself.
Hugs to you, my friend,
I understand it, Mike. Child abuse cuts a big huge hole in your heart. And the hole is filled with fear, pain, anger and even hate. Unfortunately, because it's all unprocessed, you aim it right back at yourself. Children feel that the abuse is all their fault and don't have the reasoning abilities to understand that it exists quite outside of their own being. It takes being an adult and a lot of work to start to see that. You start to realize that the people who hurt you hurt inside themselves, and never figured out how to handle the hurt. So they pass it on to their kids, which is wrong. It's not an easy road but it makes you feel better to deal with it. I do promise you that.
Dee, as a mother, it would break my heart to hear my son say those things. God bless you for being strong and supportive for him and helping to direct him into therapy! And I'm so darned happy to hear that it's working! I can only picture my own son's sweet face to know how you must have felt. You're a good mom and cheerleader for your boy. Lucky him!