Not fibro but need information, support, advice

I am struggling this week with a flare and now this.

My oldest told me today they just lost their little one (10 weeks along) - and innocently asked me if I had ever had a miscarriage (they are looking to see if there is a family history, etc.) As a mom and grandma, my heart is breaking for them.

Until today I have never told anyone in my family about my miscarriage (I was 8 weeks along) and never had the chance or support to grieve. The only one who knew was my ex-husband; and it was treated as a “so you lost the baby, that’s life and life goes on” situation. I never even went to the doctor (why would I? I had already lost the baby, what could the doctor do?) And I managed for 24 years to “go on” - I thought I had buried those memories so deep they would never see the light of day. And for 24 years they didn’t. Today the dam broke.

Tonight the tears are flowing freely for them and me. My poor puppy can’t figure out what is wrong with momma! I’m not sure how to support them, except to be there for them whenever they want to talk (they live about 800 miles away). And to maybe share how not to deal with it!


Hey strugglinginK’s
“…I thought I had buried those memories so deep they would never see the light of day…” That’s what happens when we repress things, BIG things. Then years later there’s a trigger that takes us straight back. I had a totally differing situation but buried it, then 20yrs later Boom, no sorry that’s more like BOOM it really rocked my whole self. I thought ‘I’d buried it all before, hell, I could do it again’. But try as I did I couldn’t keep it buried. I tried to drink it away. I tried to drug it all away, that had worked previously (who was I fooling? the drink and the drugs just changed the view and the end destination was just as ugly). And ‘my dam broke’. It was all to big for me to deal with on my own and I had to ask for help.

Look, I’m not going to tell you dealing with all of this is easy, it ain’t. But that ‘Dam’ breaking can be a good thing. It can allow you to deal with what I called ‘My load’. I spent many years avoiding ‘my load’. Then I started working with people in a pseudo social worker role and little things would trigger a memory. It didn’t even have to be tangibly related, just a trigger and I’d be right back in that time I’d long buried. Every trigger was bringing it closer and closer to the surface. It had to be stopped from ‘exploding’ above ground, the results of which could have be disastrous.

I saw my dr, explained the situation and he referred me to a couple of services. This was the best thing I could have done. I saw a psychologist and worked through a lot of it, it’s still there, but I now acknowledge that it’s there rather then deny and avoid.

Now, please, DO NOT take this the wrong way. But as you acknowledge you are a grandma and without be ageist, back then it was never recognised as an issue. Just close the door and move on, but it’s never that simple. As we ‘now’ know.

Tears are not a bad thing, they are like a release valve. But if you recognise that this could be an even bigger issue than just a release valve, PLEASE see your doctor. They will know of relevant services in your area and how to best access them.

Sharing of experiences can be VERY therapeutic for ALL involved, especially when those shared experiences are also within your family. These experiences can be VERY isolating (as you well know), That simple ‘I know, because I’ve been there too…’ can lift a huge weight and as is often said ‘A weight shared is a weight halved’ and that’s for all involved. But please do still be aware of the emotional toll for everybody involved, including yourself. We, the carer’s, often forget about ourselves. But the reality is that if we burn ourselves out we won’t be of any use to anybody else, so YOU must also look after YOU.

I wish you the very best, this can’t be easy for anybody.

Merl from the Moderator Support Team

Dear T

I’m so sorry. You’re grieving your daughter’s loss, and reliving yours, and that’s difficult. When you talked about “the dam breaking” I knew exactly what you meant. Been there. Filled those tissues! And there are lots of us who have.

Merl’s suggestion is 5-star: go see your doctor and tell him/her what’s happening. They will be supportive: they know that repressing the sadness and “carrying on” only leads to, well, to what you’re going through now. They know the resources in your community that can best help you, at the point you are now.

I hope you told your daughter about your experience, and you encouraged her to seek support. If you haven’t already, please pick up the phone and share your story and your grief with her. You won’t be adding to her pain: you will be helping her and yourself to move forward.

Meanwhile, hug that puppy of yours and stroke those velvety ears and soak up that love between you and your best friend.

Thinking of you

Seenie from ModSupport