Hello, everyone. My name is Moe.
I’ve never really been part of an online support group… actually, the only support group I’ve ever been in was the year I spent in Narcotics Anonymous, and that was a really great experience.
I decided to join today because I’m at the end of my rope.
Last week, I was ill with some virus that caused me to miss work all week. Then, I woke up this morning with the intent of ‘knocking “it” out of the park,’ only to realize it was going to be, what I call, a ‘BAD’ day. I made it to work (a reserve agent at Farmers), and I attended a meeting, though I’d had a bad feeling about it since it was scheduled. My ‘career coach’ basically said we weren’t working hard enough… I wanted to die. Literally. I’ve battled suicidal ideations since my failed attempt at 16. This is the first job I’ve really loved, but some days it feels impossible to give even a portion of what others are able to do. I can’t give up, but I want to so badly.
It doesn’t help matters that my husband, a smart man in his own right, just doesn’t understand. When we met in 2005, he knew I had bipolar disorder; still, he sometimes doesn’t connect my symptoms with this broad diagnosis. Diagnosed at the end of 2008, and with most of the time between spent as a contractor in Afghanistan, he doesn’t understand BAD days. He forgets that poking me jokingly feels like a salt encrusted dagger. So, he says, “But you spent all last week resting… how can you still be tired?” and “What am I supposed to get from ‘my hair hurts?’ No one’s HAIR hurts.”
What’s also awesome is that my mother has Hashimoto’s, and she works 10 hour days as an English teacher in middle school. She just does it because she “doesn’t have the option of doing anything else.” So, while there is some sympathy, there’s more of a ‘put on your big girl panties’ attitude.
I guess I’m really just looking for other people who understand.
My hair hurts.
I’m too tired to sleep.
I have more pain than any pain medication can touch.
I can’t take Fibro medications because of their interactions with my ‘crazy’ meds.
I have no hope that this will get better.
And I’m not being lazy or whining to get attention…
I’m barely hanging on to the end of this rope, and I need people who understand that…
Please hang on and try not to be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with. There are many people here who I know will understand as well…you are definitely not alone. Hopefully venting on this site will help you a bit.