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Living With Fibromyalgia - Online Support Group

Need a friend on here

#1

I found out today that one of my closests friends told my other friend that she didn’t think I was doing enough to get better. ( she already knows this fibro can’t be fixed)

I was also told that she was upset that I had turned her down to go out to eat with her a couple of times . ( I was in too much pain both times) she had told me, “oh no, don’t worry about it” " I understand." she also said some other things too but my other friend didn’t want to tell me after I reacted so badly to things already said.

I met her when she was 13 and I was 28. I put her under my wing and helped her through a lot of things in her life. She has always been like a daughter to me. I am the Godmother of her children.

She has been there to help me out,here me out, Here me cry and was there for me.Never once did I think I would here that she felt like this.

It is hurting me to my core on this one. I feel betrayed.

I want to give her the letter " MY STORY CRONIC PAIN - BY ANONYMOUS"
I just can’t believe after everything I’ve explained and explained why, that this is what she thinks.

I push myself every single day so this thing won’t beat me. I can’t do anymore than what I’m doing. It takes all I’ve got.

I would normally right off a friend that refuses to understand and talks crap behind my back, but there’s a problem… I’m her kids Godmother and I love them dearly. If she’s out so are they.

Anybody have some advice?? I don’t know, I am really upset and have to do something one way or another. I can’t afford to have people like this in my life. It doesn’t seem like much but it tells me a lot . I’ll wait for any advice I can get.

Thank you : ) fibroerr

#2

I have seen some friends go since falling ill. Some closer than others but no one as close as your friend here.

People rarely understand the pain we have. They expect us to adapt to it and keep up with the world around us. I would recommend taking some time to let this rest before confronting her.

I use the spoon theory to let people know what is happening but I add forks to show increases in pain. It becomes very clear how limited a day can be when you have a physical item to describe your pain. I am thankful to have some new friends who really care. They see me at my strongest but know that I am pushing to be there. They will come to me if needed, they will bring me items, they will watch my child. Some of the friends I thought would be there for me (especially after my marriage ended) have rejected me. I am not sure if it is from my separation, from my new hobbies, from my honesty about my pansexual orientation, or that they are not able to understand my illness. They dont even know anything about the new man in my life and several of them have not even liked my daughter's etsy page. (hello, that takes like zero effort) They have not even been interactive on Facebook, which is the easiest and least committed of friendship. I seriously get more here than there most days.

(pansexual orientation is similar to gender blindness, meaning I can have a relationship based on the person and not the appearance or gender identity)

It is always frustrating to have rejection, especially from someone you have shared so much of your life with.

Today I was trying to explain to my BF that I cannot allow for people who have wronged me to continue to be in my life. He thought I meant I hold a grudge, but I hold no ill will to them I simply refuse them access to my life. I wash my hands of them and move forward. Once I explained a bit more he seemed to get the distinction. I have no room in my life for people that aim to stress or harm my energy and I truly hope you can find a way to resolve this relationship of choose to move forward without them as part of your life.

There is no reason for a friend to talk badly about another behind their back. Ever. When I am near someone who "gossips" I know right away that the same thing happens when I am not around. It is hard to accept but it certainly happens and those who truly love you will not bad mouth you to others. There is a big difference between sharing a story about a friend and talking badly behind their backs. If your friend is willing to disrespect you than she is not much of a friend. I cannot offer any advice on how to handle the way you will miss the children. That will be hard. Maybe after a few more tries she will understand that you need her in your life in a positive way. Sometimes I wish there was a fibro suit our friends could wear to understand how we feel, just for a little bit before judging us or blaming us for not doing enough to get better.

I really must get to bed.

We are here for you. We understand the hurt of rejection from those who are supposed to love us.

#3

Hi Firoerr,

I would question the motives of the friend who told you this. I can understand how hurt you feel but have you discussed how you feel with your godchildrens mother. People are very complex and both of your friends may be going through bad patches at the moment. Why would your friend tell you something that they knew would upset you. I may be way off here but you should give your friend a chance to explain. It may not be all it seems.

Hugs

Ann

#4

I understand. I would seriously recommend letting yourself calm down before doing anything rash. Sometimes people are just letting off steam and saying things that maybe they don't really mean. I would maybe wait a week and then just ask her if she understands what Fibromyalgia is.

I have often compared my physical problems with that of someone diagnosed with diabetes. Like this: Would you tell someone with diabetes that it is all in their head and they need to get over it? or would you recommend they follow doctor's instructions. Saying that kinda makes people realize that this illness is physical. We have to pace ourselves. We have to or the illness will strike back.

People will always let you down at some point. That is just being human. No one is perfect. But friendship sometimes requires that we back away for awhile and redefine the boundaries of the relationship. She may have just been frustrated that day and you ended up being the subject of a conversation that allowed her to vent frustration which may not have even been caused by you.

#5

Hi Fiboerr,

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. A couple of weeks ago I posted about some things my "friends" have said and done so believe me when I tell you I understand how it feels.

I think you have gotten some good advice here and I get what Tracey said about giving your self time before dealing with the situation and like her I am not ready to deal with my friends either.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers over this situation.

Jackie

#6

Wow , thank you all so much for responding. You all gave great advice. I really felt the love from each of you. Your are all awesome in my book!

I am going to really think through all the advice given as your were all right on things you said!

Thanks for taking the time to be there for me. I want to be there for each of you too when you might need someone. So if we’re it friends yet, and you would like be, then send me a request : ) thank you agin​:heart::heart::heart::heart::heart:
Love LISA

#7

Hi Lisa, This can be so hurtful & frustrating !! Your friend that told you this… Hmmm I wonder why she would want to tell you this, perhaps she fabricated it… Or that’s her perception, I would be more upset with this friend than the mother of your godchildren. I would sit down with your friend and read her the spoon theory. I did that with my daughter, and she has a much better understanding, she knows now, when I can spend time with her … It’s very special !!
Also try and remember no one can really understand completely,( except us… Lol) if she thinks there is more you can be doing, my guess is she does not understand like you thought… And that can be hurtful… But the truth is she loves you and just wants you to be better. I would talk to her, and tell her she can be open with you… And that talking about you to someone else has really hurt you.
I hope it works out… Trying to get family and friends to understand is probably one of the most frustrating parts of living with fibro…
Bigs hugs
dee

#8

See? There's a lot of love around here. I'm so sorry you are going through this kind of stress. People are funny. The conversation between your two friends may have been miscommunicated to you. After you've had some time to gather your thoughts I would get together with your bf and talk to her. She obviously loves you. I bet it's all a misunderstanding. People don't understand fm or me/cfs, including me! I bet that letter would be helpful. And the spoon theory that Lyra recommended. I'm sure you don''t want to toss this relationship out the window. Life is work and our relationships can be at times. This is just how I would handle it. My close friends are my life line. I would want to talk it out.

friends,

LKitty

#9

Thank you Dee! How are you? !! The friend that said she thought I wasn’t doing enough to get better, tends to do and say things behind people back unfortunately. She’s not the type to go to the person with it.

The friend that told me, is a friend that I have complete trust in and does all they can to understand and help me with what ever they can. They would be the one to come to me and talk if there was something questionable or they took offense to. He was looking out for me but had no idea that I was going to react the way I did.

When I reacted to this, I lost it! I had to pray and ask forgiveness for what had come out of my mouth. LOL!! I don’t use bad language EVER. Can’t stand it.

I think sitting down with her and approaching her, is the only way to try and resolve things. ( along with the letter).

I guess I will know soon enough after that, what it is I need to do or not do.
Thanks again for you advice. As always it means a lot.
Thanks again. Love Lisa

#10

Thanks L-kitty ! Yes your right, there is a lot of love around here. : ) I am so blesse with all of you!

Miscommunication does happen And even if the info is correct, our relationship is still worth trying to save. So thank you for that reminder.

Sometimes the important stuff can get pretty cloudy when you get hurt. Ya know? Thank you again!
Take good care ! Love Lisa

#11

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

#12

Dear Lisa,

This is so hurtful, I know. I don't think there is one single person who suffers chronic pain from an invisible disease that has not gone through this with someone, and it does hurt, it cuts you to the quick.

This is one of the things that leads to isolation, after a while, you just give up, and you don't even want to waste your energy trying to make them understand, but if they are important to you, just write a letter. Work on it over a period of time until you have it just the way you want it before sending it.

It's good we have each other, we all truly understand!

Love and hugs,

SK

I posted the spoon theory, one of my personal favorites.

#13

Hi SK

Just gotta say ‘thank you’ for posting the ‘spoon theory’ I am certainly going to ‘implement’ it in the future when explaining how it feels to have such limitations.

But I also have to thank ‘fibroerr’ for opening this discussion. I am truly sorry that your friend has been insensitive. I have even had a ‘friend’ who has been discontented with her job say to me ‘if only I could get something like you’… I was shocked and disgusted, I had to put it down to pure ignorance. Take care and know that we are all here for you.

Bev

#14

I have people tell me all the time i dont look sick its in my head. But my closest friends and family know the truth. Its hard!! I get the most support from yoga studio and heath store friends. Surround yourself with people who do understand!
I just went to a counselor and she told me i was not sick!!! Thst was hard!
Hang in there!!!
Alternative medicine friends are great!!

#15

I am going through this with my aunt for some reason she’s had a very negative effect on their whole life and I don’t want to cut her out because she’s old would be mean I have been cut out of peoples lives before without any explanation it is heartbreaking . But on the other hand always the sliding situation that I am doing this for attention I would love to be your friend I would love a friend to I work tomorrow at target just so busy and I’m always afraid that I’m gonna have a meltdown I don’t sleep at all the night before 6 o’clock in the morning playing waiting to get up and go