My "ah ha" moment

Today while sitting in the waiting room at the doctors office I realized something which was suddenly so clear that it was painful. I felt the tears coming as the nurse called me in to see the doc. Before I made it to the dreaded scale I had big crocodile tears rolling down my face that I could not hold back. I felt like I had been punched, stabbed, shot something, anything, everything.

All I knew is it was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced in my life. I cried while the nurse took my blood pressure, I cried while waiting for the doctor to come in, I cried through the whole exam, I cried as I paid the receptionist. I cried when telling all of these people in the clinic especially the nurse and the doctor that I was fine.

I’m sure by now u r asking yourself what happened.

I realized I have FIBROMYALGIA, I have something chronic, I have a painful debilitating illness and my life will never be what it was ! Fibromyalgia became a part of me in that moment this afternoon. I have gone to this doctor every month for a year and always expected something. Maybe a pill, a shot, an exercise program, something, anything to cure me or fix me enough to become a wife, mom and nurse again. My AH HA moment was that he can’t cure me, he can’t fix me. THIS IS FOREVER.

I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia a year ago although I have had it much much longer and just refused to believe it even when doctors mentioned it several times in the past.

I guess I have made it past the shock and denial, the anger, the bargaining, and all of the other stages to get to this accepting phase. I may go back and forth between some of these stages for a while but its the first time I have accepted it.

I HAVE FIBROMYALGIA !!! WOW ! I feel the tears welling up in my eyes again just thinking about it. No anger, no pain, no shock, no denial just acceptance. I didn’t just cry for myself, I cried for all of the other people with fibro. Those that have made it to this point and especially everyone that hasn’t made it here yet.

It’s a tough journey but I feel I have finally made it to the other side because acceptance is FREEDOM !
I finally feel free to let myself become a new me. I might be homebound, bedbound at times, but my life is not over. MY LIFE HAS JUST CHANGED. I will now have to learn to adapt to this change and build a new me in a new life.

LOOK OUT WORLD THE NEW DARLENE IS HERE ! ! ! !

sorry this post is so long, hope yall have a chance to read or glance over parts of it

$ $ & & @ @ just trying to get attention to the discussion part
My question is has anything like this ever happened to anybody else ? Not just with fibromyalgia but with anything in your life ? I think it is really what some people would call an " epiphany ". I have realized things clearly about a situation before but never in this quick, overwhelming type of way.

Anyway thanks for being here and allowing me to get this off my chest. I tried to tell my hubby but he didn’t have a clue what I was talking about and I know my kids won’t. They are too worried about about summer jobs, boyfriends and girlfriends. You know important stuff (LOL)
Soft Hugs … Darlene

Hi Darlene,

I'm so proud of you! Yes acceptance is FREEDOM! Your story very much resonated with me. My diagnosis came last July 2012. I was in denial for sometime as to accept meant acknowledging the possibility of FOREVER! Prior to my diagnosis many friends and family were all saying my symptoms sounded like Fibromyalgia. Fibro what? I hadn't heard of it before and I sure as heck wasn't interested in reading up on it because I was sure I didn't have it! My acceptance came a few months after my diagnosis...I remember crying and crying in the realization that life as I knew it would never be the same. It was then I was like a sponge reading everything I could about Fibro. I realized that I would have to reinvent myself, but I also knew I had to be kind to myself and allow time to grieve. I truly felt it was like a death. I also believe that finding this online support group helped enormously in that I was not alone and there were people out there just like me. They knew my pain...they really understood! I cry less now and try to take life one step at a time. I do worry about the future, but try not to dwell too long as it will bring me down. I am on a waiting list to see a therapist as I have used counselling in the past and it did help to talk to someone who is a professional and doesn't judge. Unfortunately, the wait is one year! I'm okay now...the feelings I had were more about why did this happen...I felt drained and depressed as I had tried so hard to re-start my life after getting my youngest off to college and it was my turn now hmmm so I thought. Life had another plan for me and this is it! Not exactly what I had in mind! So I'm not sure where this is going to bring me, but the less I resist what has been given to me the less I feel anxiety and stress...that is a good thing! Thank's for sharing your story...I wish you nothing but the very best in becoming the new Darlene the world awaits you with open arms!! The journey continues....

Big hug,

Sue

Hi DollyBaby,

I know exactly what you mean. It took me about two years after dx to have that eureka moment. Then I felt so silly that it took me so long to get the big picture. I was just going thru the motions, sore/stiff/fog/exhaustion, take my meds, go to work, try to stay awake, try to get rest, no one to share with. I feel like it would be a full time job if I did everything that is recomended to improve my health. It would be such a luxury to be able to quit my job and finally take care of me for a change, but I would have no other income or health insurance. After my eureka moment, I got to work trying to learn as much about fibro as I could and then I started looking at existing medical treatments as well as alternative forms. I know I need to exercise, but it hurts and who has the energy for that? The most important thing, that I finally get, is that it is okay to be good to myself and if that means that the house doesn't get clean today, then, so be it.

See Darlene, you probably thought you were the only one? That is what's so great about this website and the wonderful caring members here. Before I read your post, I had felt silly, like I was the only one with fibro that for the longest time didn't get that fibro is chronic. I just thought I was a little slow on the uptake. What if there are others out there like us?????

HI DOLLBABY IT TOOK TIME TO GET A DIAGNOSIS I HAD A COLLAPSE AT WORK APRIL 20 2010 I WASNT GETTING BETTER FINALY IN AUGUST 2010 THE PRIMARY SAID I CANT HELP YOU I SAW THE INTERNIST EXAMS TESTS FINALLY HE SAID I CANT HELP YOU NEED TO SEE A RHEUMATOLOGIST I HAD THE DIAGNOSIS JAN 2012 THATS WHEN I SAW IT IN THE PRIMARYS OFFICE THE RHEUMIS DIWGNOSIS FROM THE PREVIOUS SUMMER 2011 I WASNT SURE WHAT IT HYPOTHYROID OR SOMETHING ELSE I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHAT IT WAS AND DEAL WITH WHATEVER IT WAS IVE BEEN ON THE SITE IN THE LIBRARY DRS OFFICES ONLINE TRYING TO LEARN EVERYTHING I CAN I ACCEPTED THE DIAGNOSIS WHEN THE PRIMARY TOLD ME AT THE RHEUMIS I WAS PROBABLY VERY TIRED FIBROFOG WITH THE NPS KATHLEENS HELP GENTLE STRETCHING EXERCISES AMBIEN SAVELLA NO FIBROFOG IM STILL A LITTLE TIRED BUT NOT LIKE BEFORE I TAKE IT 1 DAY AT A TIME AND DEAL WITH 1 THING AT A TIME I DO WHAT I CAN AND ENJOY THE DAY AS MY DRS SAY JUST DO WHAT YOU CAN WALK AS MUCH AS YOU CAN WORK WHEN YOU CAN I HAVE WONDERFUL SUPPORTIVE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE THAT ARE THERE FOR ME AND IM THERE FOR THEM I SAY PRAYERS FOR THE GANG EACH MORNING AND NIGHT HAVE A GOOD DAY

I had that moment but it was an overwhelming sense of relief. I now knew what was going on and it wasn't just in my head, but it is lol. It was damn now I can get on to a treatment, get feeling better, and all that jazz.

Hi, Just want to thank you guys for the replies. It’s always comforting to know I’m not alone with this fibro stuff.

Now that I’ve had such a break through I feel a little confused as well as exhausted from all of that crying yesterday. I feel like the world is mine again and I just don’t know what to do next. It’s sort of like when I graduated from high school and couldn’t decide what college to go to or what I wanted to major in.

I mean seriously what is the next step ?

I think I will take my time but will definitely want to start doing more besides stay in my house all day. I am going to try to start pacing as suggested by so many members on here. Once I can get up and about a little I will decide what to do next. My main goal right now is to get moving out of bed and off the couch. Small steps can lead to large acheivements ( I hope ! )

Hugs…Darlene

Insight! You have seen inside yourself and poof... you step into another world. Yes oh yes. By becoming aware we empower ourselves not to become our illness. We can accept our own world, such as it is, and be who we are. By doing this we are not working to become something else. Relaxing in this is so much better than constantly fighting it.

I'm getting better at this. It isn't what I had planned for my life, but God has a plan that will take me from today forward. There are still days of denial, but we push through.

Excellent, Darlene.

LKitty

I am also newly diagnosed so I understand - very overwhelming .

But you also say "look out world the new Darlene is here "

Good for you

Hi Darlene,

You have made it over the big hurdle now, and in some ways things will be a little easier for you. It is freeing to know, to accept. I know this may sound very strange to some, but dealing with chronic illness is an on-going process, there are so many layers, and though you will always have moments you struggle, acceptance is such a necessary ingredient to being as well as you can, as happy as you can, for as long as you can!

Thank you for sharing. I wish you good things in your future, please know that we are all here for you!

Love and hugs,

SK

Thanks SK you are so kind and informative. I do realize that I am over just one hurdle and there will be many more hurdles to jump over or cross or crawl through or maybe hobble around. At least I feel like I can try and not stay couped up in my house 24/7 except for monthly doctor appointments.
I will try to fo slow and give my body a chance to catch up to my mind. I have been sedentary for over a year now so it will take time im sure but im ready. Yay !
Even if or when I do have set backs of any kind and I need to vent I know where to come for comfort and support.
You guys are awesome !

I am also fortunate to have a very loving and supportive husband, Mother, and children. I feel like they will encourage but not push me to do things before Im ready. But they well never understand like u all do.

Hugs…Darlene

Thanks Rattled , your post says it all. Thanks for your response and thanks for understanding.
Hugs…Darlene

Darlene,
Yes you have FM (welcome) and you are now likely open to try things that have worked for people with FM. Remember, there are people with Fibro who lead very nearly normal lives. And then there is the other extreme where people are completely useless. Most of us fall in the middle somewhere. I started out with Fibro being mostly pain and within a few years, it became mostly fatigue. But you know, I worked a regular job for more than ten years after I was diagnosed and it wasn't until I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis that I was no longer able to maintain steady employment.
Your acceptance of this condition should make you open to suggestions people on this site have about how to deal with situations specific to your Fibro.
Best of luck.
Marc

Thanks for sharing what you did. I know and understand what you were experiencing. For me before I got the actual diagnosis. I had been in pain for years. I had gotten hurt here and there, in a near fatal accident, and some other emotional situations that just added to my pain. I was diagnosed with chronic pain but I felt that there was more to it. I kept getting other strange pains. It was driving me nuts wondering what was going on with me. My doc at the time was not giving up any actual diagnosis besides saying I have chronic pain. She didn't try to figure it out. It wasn't until I fell once again at work that I ended up seeing workman comp docs. I worked with them and they finally said to me hasn't your doctor told you that you have fibromyalgia. I said no. They sent me back to her and when she heard what they told me she actually sounded pissed off. She sent me to the Chief of Rhuemotolgy and said whether or not I get diagnosed with Fibro she was still giving me the right medication. So I saw the Chief; she asked a bunch of questions and pressed around my body. She said if I was to go online and look up Fibro there would be a pic of me. I had all the classic signs and symptoms. I felt utterly relieved to get that diagnosis. I finally knew what was going on. I did look up Fibro and did not see a pic of me. LOL I still freak out but at least I know what it is...interesting how Fibro is now the other F word I hate to say. LOL Soft hugs back at you Darlene.... Sissy

What a wonderful post. You can have no idea how healing this has made me feel. I am struggling to accept this, that I have it forever. But I am still me, a bit different, but still me.

Gentle hugs and pass the tissues please, you got me crying.

Kanga

Darlene,

I so empathize with you, I keep telling myself that I have Fibro. I try my best to overcome the feelings of sadness due to not being able to do what I did before, but it is not easy! I miss being able to get up in the morning, going outside to work in the garden all day, or spending the day playing with my grandkids, or dogs! It is just so sad, and I really do wish that someone would find a cure, or at least something that is universal that we can all take and benefit from it! I feel for you dear, and I appreceiate that you are able to share this information with us! Take care, God Bless! Jackie

Hi DAR, your discussion is so beautiful & inspiring !!! As I read, I could feel your pain, and just kept thinking I wish I was in that dr, office with you so I could give you a big hug &. Say I understand exactly what you are feeling !! My acceptance was not so onset as yours, but a bit more gradual… But there did come a revelation that it is a different me… A new normal, a different normal and yes it is very freeing, and I would say I am in a much better place now that I allowed myself time ( a year ) like you, to mourn the old me. To fight it and not accepting it was so exhausying ! And then I started to focus on how to become the best new me… Life is much better now, sure I have moments that I still think about how I was, and I miss my job (RN ), or I see a family member or friend that can do much more than I can, but then I just shake those thoughts off, and focus in what I can do… And some days are great, and others not so great, but that’s ok… Working with it and not against it has been so helpful !!
You have come along way… I’m so happy for you, be good to your self !!
Thank you for sharing this :slight_smile:
Hugs &
Blessings
dee