I noticed this morning my wonderful bf was all lovey and affectionate. He said he was glad to be home…and of course, I had to say…“I don’t know why?” He knew what I meant, I had just apologized for being in so much pain when he came home. I told him that I am sorry that he had to come home to this…meaning, me in pain.
Anyway, right after I said that…his “happiness” kind of faded and he picked up his keys and went to start his truck.
He has of course told me a million times that he isn’t going anywhere, that he is sticking with me no matter what. I feel bad that I continue to doubt him and say things like I said this morning and I HAVE TO STOP or I will finally once and for all push so far away, he really won’t come back.
I just wanted to post this because if it weren’t for him and our many conversations…I wouldn’t even know I am pushing him away. Maybe that is the case for some of you here too. It’s SO HARD to stay positive but this is hard on them too. If I can do what I can to help him cope (no negative comments) that helps him be there for me when I need him.
I have also learned that I really have to TELL HIM in specifics words what I need from him and he is more than happy to do it. He said when he doesn’t know what to do to help, it makes him feel bad. But when I tell him what he can do to help…he feels better knowing that he is making me feel better. Makes sense and I have stopped myself so many times from saying something negative, I guess after this morning, I have learned that I have to keep trying and working on it.
Hi Tina - well, men aren't the brightest bulbs when it comes to understanding a female! Don't ever apologize for being in pain!I I have learned over the years with my Fibro - that the people I may lose because of my being in pain, they aren't worth it The ones that have stuck around, are the BEST!! You are not pushing your boyfriend away - he is pushing HIMSELF away because he isn't man enough to accept and love you with all that you have and your illnesses! Don't forget this Tina. I know it is probably hard to read what I just said - but I have been through it - and I now I have gotten very adept at choosing the people that I want to be around with because they truly do care about me! Love, Laurie
Sometimes it's when and how we tell them, rather that the message that we are in pain. My husband needs to say hello and give me a kiss when he comes home. Then once he's changed from his work clothes, I ask for a massage. Yes, I agree with Laurie that men aren't the brightest bulbs in understanding a female. We need to help them help us. The biggest thing that helps my husband is that after the massage, I say, "You are my hero. Thank you so much!" He needs to hear that. (Duh, doesn't he realize that???) Oh - and that's after 35 years of marriage!
Sometimes it isn't a matter of pushing away as learning how/when to communicate, especially when there is so much pain and fatigue for them to understand.
Sending soft gentle hugs and hopes for better communication.
Hi Tina, I so can relate to what you are saying. I have realized that for 51 years I have taken care of my wonderful husband and now I get angry at him for not helping me. We had a talk and he told me that if he knew what I wanted or needed he would do it. I try very hard not to be negative with him but I do slip sometimes, more than I like but sometimes it just gets to be too much and we vent on the ones we love the most.
Keep trying and it will get easier, I know I am just about there..I think. They do not like to see us hurting so much, they can only imagine what we are going through and I for one do not want him to ever go through this or anything with this much pain.
Hi Tina, I’m guessing you have seen the love letter to normals ? I know it has helped a lot of significant others understand.
I do understand having to stop your self from being a negative Nellie, I’m not married but I sometimes do it with my mother or daughter, so maybe we do this with people we know understand us and will still love us. It’s so frustrating to just always act like we are ok. Sometimes it’s impossible to just always stay positive when what we live with is soooo frustrating !!!
Hang in there, you are worth being loved even if your sick … Right ??
Yes !! We have to keep reminding ourself of that
Hugs & blessings
Oh Scribelle, so very, very true! And you also make a great point about the importance of how and when to tell them. I used to bombard my then-hubby with complaints when I called him at work! Years later, I cringe over this. Giving them time to unwind from their hectic day is essential. Once some food is in the belly, it's a bit easier to get that talking done. Negative comments, while completely understandable, will push a spouse away after a while. And even couching a negative in a positive way will help your cause, "Oh honey, you're so strong, I know you don't understand how much I hurt because of that but i really do hurt badly today." I learned this too late for me but hopefully you're a wiser person than I was (you sound it.)
HI dee - the email you sent to Tina was so sweet!! Laurie
Hi Tina, I agree that we don’t need to apologize for being sick, and that there’s lots of reasons for getting frustrated. I also agree we need to look at things from their perspective as well. Our partners lives and futures have changed as well. I have been very negative, and responding to comments like how are you this morning with a list of complaints, I see that look on his face, frustration and sadness mixed together. I kept on telling him that I knew that this isn’t easy for him either.
I’ve recently decided I need to tell him when it’s a no touch, no hug day, and if I can’t do something. but skip the rest. I need to smile in the morning and greet him when he comes home, laugh at his silly jokes when he’s trying to cheer me up, thank him for the extra things he does and enjoy the time I am with him. When things get to bad I go off for a nap. We need to respect that they are still with us, like to do things for us to make us feel better, and do love us despite our illness and how it’s changed their lives.
It has definitely helped to be able to come here and “vent” instead of relying on him for all of my complaints.
I wish I had read your comments earlier…
Last night I broke down, just lost it. I was a blubbering pile of tears and didn’t know what to say. He kept asking what’s wrong and all i could say was, I hurt and I’m tired of it. We did talk a little more and he did say he hates seeing me like this and wants to help but doesn’t know how. That was the frustrating part, I didn’t know what to tell him that he could do to help. I just told him that just being here helps and just rubbing my back and holding my hand helps.
Thank you all for the comments…they do mean so much! I have read the letters to normals and have showed him it too. well, e-mailed it to him. I don’t know if he read it or not, but maybe we should have that discussion tonight.
HI Tina - I was thinking about you today - wondering how you were doing. It's a good thing that your boyfirned opened up to you last night. It shows that he does care and as you know, men can not read women's minds and emotionally, a lot of times, they can't express what they really feel about what we are going through. It's a very hard and emotional thing to go through what we do. We are definitely strong because we are still here and supporting one another the best way we can. You seem to feel better today and hopefully, your boyfriend will sit with you tonight and have a heartfelt discussion with you Most importantly, you, no doubt, will feel a lot better knowing that he took the time to really hear what you are saying. Good luck!! Love, Laurie
hello, I do the exact same thing to my fiance all the time, 4 Me its beliving that ur partner wont leave me on a bad day&
ITS ALOT OF THOSE!,LOL.., and he says the same thing that ur bf says..so its a daily stuggle! try 2 remember how much u love him and tht he loves u, and trust tht!!!
Oh, I've been to H*ll and back, too. This wisdom was learned the hard way. No pedestal for me! :)
l will try to trust his love for me, and I am doing a little better today emotionally. I have to admit something though…this “fear of being left” didn’t just start when the Fibro did. It’s been a struggle for a good part of my life. I have always pushed people away, not necessarily meaning to…just the way it worked out. It was all in my negative view of myself. I was FINALLY getting past all that and in a very big way was starting a new life for me and my kids when I met John.
Three years ago, I had just left an abusive long-term relationship. We had lived in a small town in northern Indiana, so when me and my kids moved to “the big city” of Fort Wayne…we literally were starting over. I had been through some counseling and was getting my life back on track when John and I met on E-Harmony. LOL Three months later, we were living together and the rest is history. Point is, when John met me I was energetic, fun and full of ambition. Now, I feel like a useless pile of dung! I know that’s not true but sometimes, it feels that way. I have always been very independent with my finances and now I am having to rely on him completely. At least until my disability gets approved and we all know how long that can take. It’s by no means a financial hardship on him, he makes a good living as a sales director/corp chef. It’s just now I get insecure because if he did want out, because I’m not the same woman he fell in love with or he just can’t handle it anymore…now he pretty much couldn’t because I rely on him too much. Ok, after reading that …it does sound silly but the fear is there nonetheless.
Well, okay…enough of my ramblings for today! LOL
Yes, Tina you are so right. It is hard to remain positive when you live with a chronic illness. I think we would all have to agree on this point. So, we have to watch ourselves with our negative comments. But they slip out too easily so that means we must make a conscious effort to stop the negative comment before it slips out. I think that once you have acknowledged this problem that you will be more careful in the future and think before you say something.
This is a hard one, Tina. I've been married 35 years and I am here to say that there really aren't any guarantees. We love them, they love us. We do our human best to communicate well and to stay in love.
It's wonderful that your man is willing and happy to help when he knows what to do. That is how my dh is a good deal of the time. We are all grieving for the people that we used to be. We are trying to adjust ourselves. I don't understand fms, cf, ddd, ibs or any of this other stuff that's going on with me. I am probably my own worst enemy. I catch myself doing negative self talk. Yesterday I locked myself out of the house. Thankfully it was a nice day. But, I felt so stupid. Boy, did I feel stupid. I didn't let that word slip through my lips though. Instead when dh got home, 3 hours later, we had a good laugh...on my queue. He would not have laughed at me, but because I lead the conversation with some humor that's the way it went. After dinner he knew I was weak and had done more outside than I should have. I got some nice hugs. He did the dishes, I took a hot bath and went to bed.
Somehow we have to learn to love ourselves and remain positive. I often wonder what it's like to be on their side of this. I figure if I can practice not being hard on myself for having fibro fog and pain and what seems like too many dr. appts it will make it easier for him to be understanding and open to talk.
I am not saying that it is all on us! Don't misunderstand. It's a two way street. Like you said, we'll keep on working on it.
Hope you have a good day today.
Hi L-Kitty - I know where you are coming from in being forgetful. A few years ago, when the Fibro got worse, that was when I noticed I was forgetting things - also, I was dropping things more often. I have broken quite a few glasses! LOL One of the the things that I keep forgetting is taking the keys out of my car when getting out and going somewhere.. Drives me crazy! What I would do is, after getting my car into a parking space, I would open the car, get out, and start walking -only to realize that I left the keys in the car with the motor running! I have done this countless of times. Thank God, I have always kept an extra set of keys in my purse. I also turn off the engine and forget to take my key with me as well. I often think if I didn't keep an extra set - I would be spending a fortune in calling for help to get my door open. My other thing is making a long list for things to do that day, including my grocery list and discovering when I am in the store, that I have forgotten my list. I am too lazy to go back to my apartment to retrieve the list and so I wander through the store trying to remember what I was supposed to get. Often I would do pretty good -however, I have the tendency to forget a few items that I really need. Can't win! Love, Laurie