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Living With Fibromyalgia - Online Support Group

Feeling very sad and unloved

#1

I am feeling so sad today. I haven’t been on here in quite a long time because I get so overwhelmed with the craziness going on in my head. I can’t make sense of anything right now.
Yesterday I was on the phone with my husband of 37 years, and I was asking him if he would come home and help me carry the grocery’s up the steps into the house because my feet hurt so bad. He said he was busy and to leave some of the groceries is the car and he’ll get them later, and to put the frozen ones away. After I thought he hung up, I overheard him say something to his friend that I will never forget. He said he was going to stick me in a nursing home, that I’m close to being dead! I don’t know why he would say such a thing I don’t even lay around all the time. I keep my house nice and clean laundry caught up with. I push myself no matter how I feel, to at least keep things tidy and organized. He came home after I sent him some nasty texts not telling him I heard what he said, just telling him to F*** off. So he came home to talk to me and ask what was wrong. I told him and he said he didn’t mean it. He was just leaving off some frustrations. He felt bad and had tears in his eyes. Which he should feel bad. If he cared at all about me. Which I’m doubting at the moment. I can’t shake this feeling of sadness he so insensitive.
What can I do to get these feelings to go away? I feel like I have no support at all. It’s just me and my 3 dogs. And my bird.
I hope you all have a good painfree day today. Thanks for being there! Lori W

#2

Lori W, I’m so sorry. What a very painful thing to hear. I can’t offer any advice, but I hope your heart is able to heal. Stacy P

#3

Gosh, Lori, I don’t know what to say either. People do sometimes say dumb things sometimes. But I noticed something in your post:

He felt bad and had tears in his eyes.

Tears in his eyes. Might this be a good time to see a counsellor or a close friend or clergy to have an honest discussion about where your relationship is at?

Having fibro is horrible. Having relationship problems makes it worse. Being alone is no picnic either. Maybe think about doing what you can to set things right between you. That’s got to be better than being endlessly sad.

Oh, I did find something to say. I’m so sorry about your bad day, and I hope tomorrow is a wee bit better.

Take care of yourself, and the ones who depend on you!

Seenie from ModSupport

#4

Lori, I’m sorry to hear about the rough day you had but I wanted to post a gentle reminder as well.

Even though it’s your disease, it impacts those around you.

Your spouse is just as likely to have a bad day about your issues as you are. Why? Because he loves you. Remember, men always want to fix things and you can’t be fixed. They tend to find this wildly frustrating, more so than women can really understand. They also tend to want to manage you as a way to control or fix what’s going on – whether or not you need it!

I remember my husband getting annoyed and saying something along the lines of “I’m always making sure you feel okay for this-that-and-the-other-thing.” I and was annoyed right back, HE was judging ME and deciding what we should be doing based on HIS perception, not based on ME and my feelings. Why? Because he wanted to fix it or at least do as much as he could to manage/fix it.

Men. Can’t live with them, can’t slap them upside the head to make them understand.

azurelle

#5

As women we are way more sensitive than men…

It took me a long time to get my husband to understand how some of his reactions to this illness were inappropriate to say the least…i had to be mean about it at times to get it to click in…

At one point i had a terrible ankle injury on top of fibro… and he would say , i guess i am your caretaker now…and i said, shut up you jerk…and get me through this…so he shut up about it and i found a miracle therapist who finally figured the ankle problem out…

He was busy feeling sorry for himself rather than encouraging me …

Men are just not natural nuturers…and have a hard time hearing what their careless words sound like to us…

Since then he has learned how not to push some of those buttons…
I told him once that when god played those careless moments back to him , he was gonna be embarrassed😳

I have flaws myself so i know about that , lol

Hope you guys can figure out how to deal with these things…its not easy

Take care

1 Like
#6

Hey there Lori , I hope things are going better since your post.Your feelings matter and its Understandable to be hurt , It’s awful when a loved one says hurtful things. I’ve been married for 21 years and can tell you that counseling is very beneficial it lets everyone get fears frustrations out on the table and can help with ways that can improve how we communicate. I see a counselor on my own as well and it helps to have an unbiased opinion . Good luck . And you always have the group to talk thing out too and your Pets love and need you. :slightly_smiling_face:

#7

I love the Gottmann institute Marriage Minute. It is really helpful and free.

#8

Thank you so much for your caring support.
Feeling somewhat better now.

#9

Thanks, I’ll have to check that out!

#10

I’m so sorry, Lori… it broke my heart reading this. I can imagine how badly it hurt to hear those words from your own husband.
Many of us have lost or ended relationships with people who are unable or unwilling to have an ounce of empathy or understanding about FMS. It is the reason I hid it and denied it for years. That doesn’t work in the long run though. In the past year, I’ve made more efforts to educate my loved ones on this crappy hand I’ve been dealt by sharing articles about fibromyalgia with them. I’ve explained to them that I can’t control when a flare up will take me out of the game and interfere with plans or whatever; and that they’re understanding and patience is what I need most from them. But not everybody will get it, and I have to accept that.
Have you ever sat down with him and told him how important it is for him to truly understand fibromyalgia and that you need to feel respected and cared for regardless?
As far as I’m concerned, the sanctity of marriage prohibits rude commentary like that, but hey I’m divorced because I don’t tolerate much b.s.
That said, the opportunity to forgive always has healing power, for all involved! But forgiveness doesn’t mean tolerating future disrespect, so open conversation about why he did it and why you should believe he’d not do it again is paramount. In my humble opinion.
Meanwhile, cherish those dogs and that bird; who show us everyday what UNCONDITIONAL LOVE truly looks like.
Good luck… your not alone and you ARE loved.

#11

Thank you Jse123 we have been to counseling 15 years ago and it really helped. I left my husband and stayed with a friend. He didn’t take that well either. So I told him if he wanted me home he had to go to counseling among other things. He reallly did make a lot of good changes then. But the problem is we didn’t continue, and a few years later we lost our son and we made a promise that we would stick together and support each other. We did and now I’ve been living with chronic pain of fibromyalgia, arthritis, spinal stenosis and degenerative disk disease. I’ve had so much pain for the past 10 years. My husband went through his trauma when we first married. He fell off a roof and broke his back. I took care of him, I bathed him, while I was pregnant, and after I had my first child. But we got through that. He seemed to have forgot his vows, for better or for worse, and in sickness and in health. Things are getting better. He feels terrible that he said all that, and he was really stressed that day. I can’t really leave him at this point with my problems but I would probably consider it if I didn’t . We’ve been talking more and I guess after all these years he’s been with me I can say he does love me. He just has a funny way of showing it. And that’s how he was raised, with no emotions.
Thank you for caring.

#12

Hi Lori , Happy Spring ! Sending you virtual hug :hugs:.men and women are wired differently As far as showing emotion , I think that often men show love by providing ie: earning money - doing physical things we’re not able to and being present in the relationship. I agree it would be great to have more emotional support or for your partner to put your needs as a top priority so we don’t have to ask for things we feel should just come natural. ( because we as women would do that automatically out of our nurturing instinct. ) it’s also hard to come to terms with how the level of passion/ attraction waxes and wanes through out the years. I think when you get comfortable and in a routine you forget the small things that bond us like holding hands , sharing a funny memory or being nostalgic about times only special to you as a couple. Even small gestures like carrying groceries or laundry is truly an act of compassion and love . It’s a gentler softer way to express how you care for someone. I know myself I grieved not having the sex life and fast paced activity filled weekends as we did when we we first married. After getting ill everything changes and all we can do is try to evolve with it , communicate our needs and adapt our love to our limitations. Lastly my husband and I have separated on two separate occasions living in different places but going to counseling . I kept telling him if your not here physically at least then I will have a reason to feel alone - testing that theory made me realize yes I can still do it alone but also gave me perspective as to what he was actually giving me by being in the same house. For me the grass was not greener on the other side. I definitely do not condone anyone staying in a abusive relationship or being in a relationship where a partner is being emotionally unavailable . So try to remember the little things that he does, and hold hands when you talk and be specific about your needs . I’m no expert I just know the ache of a heavy heart and have reaped the value of trying to see things from my husbands perspective.

#13

Btw- my name is Joy . Feel free to contact me when you need a fibro- friend.

#14

I’m sorry you went through this. That must have hurt very badly to hear him say that. I really hope he was truly sorry. {hugs} :two_hearts: