So I am having this issue with dating. . .what's the issue? I'm dating. . .
I haven't been out on a date in 2 years, I've only been intimate with one man for 2 years but we were not in a relationship, I just got so used to being around him for the past 4 years that I didn't want anyone else. So fast forward to now I stopped getting so close with him because I see that he doesn't want what I want or maybe I wanted something different so I stop seeing him. . .I went out a few wks ago and saw this gorgeous guy and because I am who I am , I told him that I thought he was gorgeous and went about my business, I'm very blunt like that so nothing new. Well he felt the same and we talked a bit at the lounge and what-have you then exchanged numbers and we have been talking ever since.
He is so amazing, absolutely a sweetheart with just the right amount of bad boy in him, he's a single father so he knows what its like for me, he's a college student like me and holds down a job he loves. Sounds good right?
But then there's me, I lose confidence at some point with men because I don't think I'm good enough. I told him about my fibro and he actually did a study on it for school and wanted to know more if I'd share so that was a plus, someone who knows about fibro and understands it. . .again, good right?
Well then there is me. . .because I don't work anymore, I feel useless. . .my arms are getting worse, I feel like I want to roll over and die. He texts me the sweetest things, he makes me laugh, he has truly kept me smiling for the past few wks, its amazing because since I've been with the last guy for so long who's ability to make me smile or even happy was a chore, I forgot what it felt like to have someone genuinely like me. Good right?
Well we have a date tomorrow, dinner at my place. I was excited about having a date in a long time with someone new but then I woke up and felt sick to my stomach. Like I am not good enough. I deal with too much pain, I don't work, I js feel so small. . .and I am withdrawing from him. I won't cancel the date but I want to. I want to hide in my pain and sulk in my sorrow. . . I like having someone make me smile but I feel like I don't deserve that and I shouldn't be around ppl while in pain. . .
I realized that I truly am afraid to be happy because I don't think it's possible anymore. Not even for one date. I want to make him hate me so he'd move on to someone better, someone who isn't sick or can't work because she's disabled. . .what do I do? What would you do?