I love my grand kids just as much as any other grand mother. I can't seem to get passed the fact that my body won't allow me to be the kind of grandma I thought I would be. We had two of the grand sons over for the weekend. I wasn't able to do some of the things I had planned, like baking simple cookies or making pine cone bird feeders (just little stuff). They went home on Sunday afternoon. I slept 15 hours after they left and about the same the next night. I went completely into "the fog". Christmas became way too big. I had a major melt down. Just the stimulation of having them in the house wears me out. The movement and the sound should be happy, but on the contrary. It's exhausting.
Yesterday afternoon I started coming out of it and today I think I'll get a little shopping done. I don't want to be a whiner, but I have done everything to prepare for being a grandma and am not dealing well with not being able to be that person. I need to let it go. Grieve and get get on with it.
I’m not a grandma but I know SK talks about her grand kids a lot and what she does with them when they visit, which I believe is quite often. I know there are other grandmas on here. I hope to be a grandma some day but not right now! My kid is too young. I hope that you feel better and have plenty of energy so you can enjoy your family for Christmas.
You know I'm in on this one! You are NOT alone. You will never be what you hoped to be, not with fibro, or arthritis, or anything involving chornic pain and exhaustion, but the kids don't know that, unless you tell them! The next time they come, you will have gone shopping, and will have something (for several meals) to refrigerate or freeze that you have already prepared, ahead of time.
It's great to have projects in mind, but be flexible, sometimes it doesn't happen. They are not only there to be with you, but as a break from home, homework, chores, schedules, pre=planned events. So be easy on yourself, girlfriend! You will get to know the ropes, but will still 'crash land' when they have gone home. They are at an energy level that has LONG AGO passed us.
The important thing is that you had them, you did it, and will be better at it each time, especially if you know they're coming, I don't always know! Just kind of try to be a little prepared in case!
I am so proud of you, you have just preformed a miracle, the name of the miracle is "Grandmother"!
Love and hugs,
Thank you MBP-P. You have a lot on your hands with a child. I've been thankful that my fibro didn't hit me until my 4 were grown. Wow! You probably have to really be careful how you spend your energy.
Thank you for your encouraging words. I hope you have a very Merry Christmas.
Yes, they absolutely know I love, love, love them all. I always have a lap, a hug, encouragement and something they can do on their own while they're here.
Setting myself up? That means never saying "yes" to anything. I'm such a doer. I was such a doer. I learned a long time ago not to be an over-doer. Now re-training my brain not even to think of planning to do. Ugh, I'll get it.
Thank you hockeymom!
Well, I did get up a couple of times to go to the bathroom, but yes, 15 hours. Unbelievable.
Angelonearth, I go to bed at 7 every evening, watch tv until I get sleepy (usually 10 or 11) and wake about 8 in the morning. This has worked for me because I start resting at 7, even if not sleeping. I get to turn my brain off at 7. I don't get in my bed anytime during the day, but I have a comfy chair to sit in. When I go to bed I usually text my al-anon sponsor back and forth a few times and my older daughter too.
I take clonipin for anxiety when I need it. I can sleep without it sometimes. Nights my brain won't turn off I use the clonipin.
Angel, I really feel for you. Not being able to sleep must be so hard. We do the best we can with what we have, don't we? May your best be wonderful today!
Hi L-Kitty, Its hard this i know so well I too used to do so much with the grandkids but i do not see them much anymore if at all.But you can put a movie in so drinks and popcorn or what they like you can sit or just lay and watch it with them.Get the pre made plaine cookies and let them dec them the way they want. Color with them.If you are married try to do it went he will be home maybe you can get him to take them out rest then. Do one grand kid at a time. Hugs to you.
A great topic - I’m Nannie to a beautiful 2 1/2 yr. old who just melts my heart and there’s another one on the way in June. So excited! You are so right about being an over-doer. I think most of us are or were. I find that when things are planned ahead if time, I take it easy a few days before so I can do as much as I think I can without really paying for it the next day. But I’ll tell you - the pain is worth every minute! I thought I’d be the grandma who would teach her how to golf and pitch, take her skiing like I did my son and go on biking picnics. I still hope my dreams come through, but in the meantime I do the same as what others said - read, cuddle, etc. can’t get on the floor and build things, so we do it on the table. Going to take her to the waterpark (inside in warm water - yeah) this Saturday, so am going to take it easy. Even on days that I don’t feel good, just being with my Sunshine makes me feel better. One of her favorite things now is taking a nap in Nannie’s big bed with me - its precious one on one time that I’ll never experience again as she gets older. I love it!
I know exactly what you are talking about. And I have just been discussing this very topic with my acupuncturist. We need to think of balance, she says, rather than limits. Who says one grandma has to do all the grandma things there are to do? (I know: I do). When we stop agonizing over what we can't do, and set ourselves things we can do and enjoy, everybody's better off. For example: I too had both grands for the weekend. What I know, really, is that a whole weekend is too long. Yes, our grands are wonderful--but their energy drains our energy right out; we need to acknowledge that. If they're from out of town and have to stay the weekend, is there a way you can excuse yourself for part of the time? Let them go somewhere with grandpa or parents or friends while you get the rest you need. I hope this helps--God knows I'm still struggling, myself; and, like you, I was flat on my back all Sunday and just barely on my feet Monday. They know you love them, you know; so do what you can do and enjoy them. Good luck!
Thank you for writing this. I am a grandma of 3, all of which live a days drive away. My own parents were involved with my kids at least once or twice a week and I thought that’s what I would do. My Mom brought my kids with her to deliver Meals on Wheels and my Dad had them help with projects. So I’ve been grieving not living close as well. Add to that, daughter-in-law who thinks fibromyalgia is just an excuse for laziness and my grief has become rather chronic. However, her little 4 year old son adores me. He gets to be silly with me and enjoys me just watching him do things or talking on the phone. I see him 2-3 x a year. The other two, 6 and 10 actually spend a week or two with us every August. They have made friends with other kids in the neighborhood which helps greatly. We live in a forest so exploring with friends then bringing things back to us is a joy. When we visit any of them, we stay in a hotel with a pool and they come over to swim. Each of them knows I struggle and they enjoy doing things to help me including helping with meals and clean-up. The six year old grandson actually looks forward to vacuuming and washing the floors! I think they are learning compassion from me. And I am seen by my 10 year old Grandaughter as the Grandma she can talk to about anything. So it’s not at all what I looked forward to but wow, it still is great. I am fortunate to have a loving husband who takes over when I’ve had too much and he also takes vacation days when the grand kids are here.
Everyone, thank you! This isn't really what I want to say because it sure doesn't sound right, but "misery does seem to love company". I don't mean that we are miserable at being grandmas, but some days we tend to look at ourselves that way. I feel for all of us.
We are only human and we do have a disadvantage. Adjusting to that is going to be a life long journey. Today may be the best day I ever have. I would like to be happy and feel blessed to be right where I am physically, mentally and spiritually. I am working on it and I wish you all the best at working on it too.
Well said L-Kitty, I often tell myself that this may be the best day I have left, so I have to dig in and do it, if it needs doing for a loved one, otherwise, I rest! ha!
To me, there is nothing more precious than a child, we have to do all we can for them, and we always do! They love us for it! Hope you get to do the project next time!
Wishing you well,
I have given up on the idea of planning. I just do the best I can.
Hope you the best.
Hi L - Kitty, I have a 5 year old grandson, he calls me mama-d, because 5 years ago when he was born I was 43 and felt so young, obviously that has all changed, when I think back to how I felt when he was born its heartbreaking so I try not to look back. Today if have to say my daughter has witnessed my decline and major transformation from healthy - fibro, and she understands I can only watch him a max of 6 hrs, usually only 3, I see him every week, and sometimes it’s very short. I got to pick him up from school a few times and take him home, even that is exhausting. I try not to feel bad that I can’t do more like take him to the zoo, or keep him with me all weekend, occasionally I will keep him all night, but we limit it to 7pm - noon the next day, and usually my mother will stay also just to help me, it’s sounds crazy, because he is so good, he will sit and color with me, watch a movie, play games, he is such a good boy ( not sure how my daughter did that, she was a wild child) . But ya know ,he loves just seeing me and doing mild things with me and I try not to focus on what I thought life would be as a grandma I just enjoy those unconditional hugs, and his smile when he sees me, he is going to grow up knowing that I made him feel special, I don’t think he will remember what we couldn’t do.
But you are so right in that its hard that our body won’t allow us to be what we thought … But like you, I am so thankful I didn’t have fibro when my kids were small, I’m not sure I could manage it.
I sit here thinking about how I wish I could have done my grocery shopping today after I went to the chiro, and post office, but I was shot from those two things, it’s awful, so we have to look at what we were able to do, I am thankful I could get dressed today
ugh …I so understand how you feel … I think 2 boys all weekend WOW !!! That’s an awful lot !! Maybe just one night would be a bit easier to Handle
God bless & hugs
Isn’t being a grandma the best thing ever !!! We are so blessed !!
I am kind of in the same boat, I have 3 grandkids ages 2-7-10 in Oklahoma and 3 in South Carolina ages 2 mo, 18 mo and 4 yr. sadly I can only see them once every 2-3 yr because of the distance and price of travel.We talk on the phone so they can know my name and they have a picture of me.
The ones in Oklahoma are about 7 1/2 hours away. We used to try to get them2x a yr. I would keep one for several days and my mom and dad would keep the other 2 and we would switch them every couple of days so each could have 1 on 1 time with me. I could handle it til they left and then have a major flare and fog.
However the last 2 times they were here They have been so out of control that my mom has she won't have them back except as one at a time. Without their help I can't get them. I explained this to my daughter in law but she says they are better now and don't fight, I don't believe that at all and she is oblivious of what my condition is. Already after telling her this summer that Mom and Dad can't handle all three anymore, she called the other day wanting me to watch them in May while they take a 4 day vacation to Vegas with friends. I haven't figured out how to handle this yet but I can't afford to go back and fourth to get each one every other month or so. Much less the wear and tear on my body from the drive in the car.
Oh, SK, I wholeheartedly agree- there is nothing more precious than a child. I was not fortunate enough to birth my own children but I mothered hundreds in my years with CPS. And any child who is in my home or in my care/company is treated like my very own. I don’t have any at home so I just spoil my two four legged babies!
You surely have worked both side of the tracks on your careers! CPS is TOUGH! Of course dealing with/working for Lawyers is not a cake walk either! Hats off to you my friend! You have champoined for children both ways!
Yep, I think I would much rather work with an angry, acting out, running away teenager than some lawyers any day. I was fortunate that the last job I had was for two wonderful lawyers in a small firm- we worked hard but we had fun too. That was back in GA and they really don’t make many like them.
Oh, soonersmile! I know! My grandson and great grandson have the love/hate relationship! I prefer to have them seperate, just does't work out that way sometimes! They are rivals, the grandson is finally interested in taking care of his things, and he works doing chores here and chores for allowances at home. He buys his own things and covets them, the baby destroys them!
I could not even have one of them without the help of my Mom and husband! Not for long anyway!
Girlfriend, you are what they call inbetween a rock and a rock. Not sure what the answer is! Just know that I'm always glad to hear from you!
We have started a women's group, you and all of the women on site are invited, it is open to all females, the computer would only allow me to get so far in the alpahbet with invites and it stopped!
Wishing you well.
Well I can actually handle them better than my mom, I have set the 7 yr old boy in time out right in the middle of an aisle in WalMart. 7 minutes for his 7 year age. It got his attention and he knows I will do it no threats needed now. The 10 year old girl got hers at the apartment swimming pool where I live. Embarrassed her bad. But they are so undisciplined at home that it takes days to get them back under control. Which wears me out. Last visit we only kept them for 3 days instead of the 7 we had planned.